ABC has pulled the plug on iconic soap operas All My Children and One Life to Live announcing that after over 40 years both programs will be ending within the next 9 months. This may prove to be a difficult time for the die hard readers of Soap Opera Digest. After a recent episode of All My Children, KathyNYC wrote in:
'Ryan lost his true love Greenlee, only to move on in a few days. Now he realizes that Kendall really loves Zach after all, and it's "oh well, time to move on again" and he is grinning like an idiot with Erica. What kind of grown man has two new relationships less than 6 months after the death of his true love? That is just sick.'
This is awkward. I'm not sure who is going to clue Kathy in that Ryan is a fictional character played by a 17-year-old looking to be the next Kelly Ripa. Though I was not allowed to watch soap operas growing up, I too was just like KathyNYC. When my nannies chatted on the cordless phone with their boyfriends, I snuck countless episodes of soapy fun. What did these coveted hours teach me? A few golden rules that will sadly no longer be passed on to future generations so must live on in this walk down memory lane instead:
Soap Life Lesson #1: You are resilient and have many lives. For example, any day of the week your Ferrari could careen off of a cliff and everyone will write you off as dead. Then, you will show up at your own funeral with a face full of bandages and there will be a dramatic unveiling one layer of gauze at a time. Luckily your ex-husband is a plastic surgeon and will fix you right up and as you heal you will rekindle your love. This also leads into life lesson number two: old flames die hard.
Soap Life Lesson #2: Old flames die hard. Just like Luke and Laura from General Hospital, one minute you could meet the brother of a prostitute who is your boyfriends ex-girlfriend and the next minute you are the victim of a horrible crime and falling in love with your attacker, while married to your childhood sweetheart. Exit childhood sweetheart, enter attacker as the love of your life. If this sounds super confusing that explains why soap operas run for almost half a century.
Soap Life Lesson #3: Anything worth arguing over must conclude with a slap or a glass of water to the face. Not to be mistaken with when things get really heated and a man from your past is called in to 'take care' of the situation. This generally results in a miscommunication by way of the opposing party being buried alive. Shortly after, a lone pale bony hand will emerge from the dirt in the shape of a claw and this signals trouble. Queue life on the run.
Soap Operas have provided us with invaluable building blocks, but its probably time to retire our Antonio Sabato Jr. calendars and move on to the next chapter, which according to ABC is reality based lifestyle television. I'm not sure if learning how to cook gluten free risotto and be our best selves is as exciting as hit men and love triangles, but I'm willing to find out. Soap Life Lesson #1, you are resilient and have many lives.
'Ryan lost his true love Greenlee, only to move on in a few days. Now he realizes that Kendall really loves Zach after all, and it's "oh well, time to move on again" and he is grinning like an idiot with Erica. What kind of grown man has two new relationships less than 6 months after the death of his true love? That is just sick.'
This is awkward. I'm not sure who is going to clue Kathy in that Ryan is a fictional character played by a 17-year-old looking to be the next Kelly Ripa. Though I was not allowed to watch soap operas growing up, I too was just like KathyNYC. When my nannies chatted on the cordless phone with their boyfriends, I snuck countless episodes of soapy fun. What did these coveted hours teach me? A few golden rules that will sadly no longer be passed on to future generations so must live on in this walk down memory lane instead:
Soap Life Lesson #1: You are resilient and have many lives. For example, any day of the week your Ferrari could careen off of a cliff and everyone will write you off as dead. Then, you will show up at your own funeral with a face full of bandages and there will be a dramatic unveiling one layer of gauze at a time. Luckily your ex-husband is a plastic surgeon and will fix you right up and as you heal you will rekindle your love. This also leads into life lesson number two: old flames die hard.
Soap Life Lesson #2: Old flames die hard. Just like Luke and Laura from General Hospital, one minute you could meet the brother of a prostitute who is your boyfriends ex-girlfriend and the next minute you are the victim of a horrible crime and falling in love with your attacker, while married to your childhood sweetheart. Exit childhood sweetheart, enter attacker as the love of your life. If this sounds super confusing that explains why soap operas run for almost half a century.
Soap Life Lesson #3: Anything worth arguing over must conclude with a slap or a glass of water to the face. Not to be mistaken with when things get really heated and a man from your past is called in to 'take care' of the situation. This generally results in a miscommunication by way of the opposing party being buried alive. Shortly after, a lone pale bony hand will emerge from the dirt in the shape of a claw and this signals trouble. Queue life on the run.
Soap Operas have provided us with invaluable building blocks, but its probably time to retire our Antonio Sabato Jr. calendars and move on to the next chapter, which according to ABC is reality based lifestyle television. I'm not sure if learning how to cook gluten free risotto and be our best selves is as exciting as hit men and love triangles, but I'm willing to find out. Soap Life Lesson #1, you are resilient and have many lives.
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